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July 23rd 2014

I haven’t said anything here in a while as per usual. I thought having a blog I could type faster on rather than a regular journal would make me update more, but that’s not the case.
That boy I was talking about before though, I’ve been dating for almost a month now. He’s just about the sweetest boy I could ever ask for. He stays over a lot, which can be a little overbearing at times but he never gets offended when I state that I need my space for a night or two.
I’m certain right now, where things are at that I love him. It’s not fairly hard to love someone. To love someone just means that you care so deeply about someone that you would do just about anything for them. And I’m definitely at that point with him. But I don’t think that I’m IN love with him yet. There’s a pretty big difference. But that’s okay with me right now. We haven’t been together all that long yet.
I’m looking forward to discovering new things with him. This is the lo gest relationship that I’ve had in two years. Most of the others only lasted a week or two. Nothing serious. I want this to be serious.

A lot of things have changed. I’m interested in someone new because the last boy I thought I was in love with played me like a deck of cards. And like alwayd, I found him out.
But this new guy, is really sweey, and nice.
I think he’s falling asleep on my couch as him and some friends and I are watching the hobbit movies.
He’s so cute that I can’t stand it. But He’s also extremely shy.
Which I don’t mind, but it’s hard to guage what to do in situations like that.
I want to lean over and run my fingers through his hair and tell him that everything will be okay. But I’m content for right now. I want to do this right. For once.

How he can be completely content with this ill never know.

tinadayton:

I would just like to say fuck you to everyone who made me feel inadequate growing up and ruining my self esteem for years. You all suck and I’m glad I don’t talk to any of you any more. 

I love him. Even if I can’t tell him just yet.

March 31st 2014

I’m really really done trying. I’m really really over this.
I keep telling myself that, and then I just keep falling back into things with Mary Jane. I told her that I still have feelings for her. Even though I know she’s still not over Ariel.
I can sit here and console her, RP with her, do things with her all night.
But the moment that Ariel says one thing she gets thanks and praise, and I haven’t gotten one thank you for all that I’ve done.
I don’t want to do this anymore. Why am I so stupid? Why do I even keep trying?

No one reads this shit anyways, so I’m not going to post this very tmi under a cut.
I don’t know whether to hate myself or not. Things with Jack started out very normal. He always wanted to talk to me, and talked to me about anime and things, and wanted to skype, and watch shows with me and things. But then we started sending pictures back and forth and they very quickly became sexual.
They weren’t so bad in the beginning, but tonight they got far worse. He started it, of course, and in the end sent me a picture where he was completely naked, but with his hand in front of his junk.
Still not a nude, but it was pretty damn close. I felt the need to reciprocate, and with him also directing me and telling me what he wanted this time.
I’m not the type of person to do these things with people I haven’t been dating very long, let alone someone I’m not dating but am really interested in. Usually it was because those pictures can be saved and kept ect., but we’ve been doing this through snap chat, so it’s 5-10 seconds of whatever is sent. Video just lasts as long as the post and then it disappears forever. So that made me feel a little more safe, I guess.
But it’s just like. I never got to meet him in person because he wasn’t there for the con that I went to last year. So I’m doing all of this, really only knowing him the way that we’ve talked now.
As I said before, that’s what happened with this guy Guy and I, but it was different with him. Nothing sexual was ever said, and he even told me that he loved me before I ended up moving to Florida. I knew we would date when I got there, and we did.
I know Jack has said that he would date me, but he’s still recovering from Autumn, so he doesn’t want to date anyone this moment. But it would take time for me to move anyways.
But just knowing that, it feels like this guy I knew in Florida that proceeded to have sex with me, and then when I was like “So, does that mean we’re dating now?” he said “I don’t really know you enough for that.” And I never talked to him again. You don’t know me well enough to date me, but you know me well enough to fuck me?
Anyways. So then that was that, and I was okay with it. But then my phone started to ring, and it was Jack, and I thought that that was sweet. He wanted to hear my voice before he went to bed or something. So I answered, since I usually don’t. I don’t like talking on the phone. At first the conversation was a little normal, but then he started talking about the pictures, and which one he liked best ect. And then he said how hot he still was and it evolved into moaning, which evolved into phone sex, and wow I’m an idiot. Because he had told me he wanted to kiss me before, ect. That’s okay. That’s cute.
But obviously during phone sex, that conversation got really vulgar really fast. I learned things about him I didn’t know, and shouldn’t know unless we were having sex. I mean, technically we kind of were?? I don’t know.
I’m so confused. Because it was really great. He has such a nice voice, and hearing him moan on the other end was more than I could have asked for, but it’s like. Is that all he wants from me now? I don’t mind when people are sexual in relationships. I’m such a sexual person myself. You could fuck me twice a day or more for the rest of my life and I would be perfectly okay with that.
But what bothered me, is in the midst of all this sexiness, he kept calling me “baby girl.” and at one point in a particular passionate moment, he kept repeating “You’re mine. You belong to me.” Which can be taken badly, but from a romantic stand point is pretty damn cute.
All of this would be absolutely lovely, if we were dating. Or even if like, I was absolutely sure we would date when I moved there. I was 100% sure with Guy. Guy told me he wanted to be with me, but couldn’t until I was there. Guy told me that he loved me. Jack has only lately told me that he wants to fuck me.
Which; it’s nice to be desired. It’s nice to be wanted. Especially sexually, that makes you feel good and attractive. But what I really want is something real. And I know that he wants that too, in some way since him and Autumn dated for two years. But what if right now, I’m just that rebound for him?
Asdfghjkl; I don’t know if I’m an idiot or just okay with the way that things are right now.

March 4th 2014

I am such an idiot. Like I thought that telling Mary Jane that Ariel was dating the guy that she cheated on her with would solve anything. Ariel lied about everything and manipulates Mary Jane with all that she’s got. And Jack got dragged into it in the end because he’s the one that told me. I said that I wouldn’t tell that it was him, and I didn’t. But they figured it was him anyways.
And they said that he had just pushed it to that point because he was angry with Ariel because he thinks that she’s the one that broke up him and Autumn. Which I could see being a thing, like even if it wasn’t totally on purpose. Sometimes you do things because you’re upset. But I also know Ariel very well.
She didn’t tell Mary Jane when her and I were dating. And she didn’t tell this current guy that she cheated with that she was dating Mary Jane. I even pointed that out. I don’t see how Mary Jane can’t see that she’s just repeating what she did before.
I don’t know exactly what Ariel said, but I know that it’s not going to be the whole truth, and Autumn will stick up for Ariel in a heart beat even if she knows what she’s doing is wrong. They’re both completely selfish and I can’t even stand it anymore.
And then Mary Jane says something like “They can’t be dating. She’s sent me things that she shouldn’t send anyone if she’s dating someone.” Are you fucking kidding me? How does that not also tell you something?
She doesn’t want to date you but she’s sending you ‘things’?
Fuck, I’m done. I’m seriously done. I’ll be there for Mary Jane in any way that I can. But I’m absolutely done with trying to help. I planted my seeds, and if they don’t grow, it’s her own damn fault.

Do you ever just want to completely cut someone out of your life, but you either can’t bring yourself to do it, or you know it wouldn’t do you any good because of your mutual friends?
I really wish I could just get this poison out of my life.


posted 03 / 03 / 14 with 0 notes
tagged as: #journal #thoughts #life #poison
XMN.