March 31st 2014

I’m really really done trying. I’m really really over this.
I keep telling myself that, and then I just keep falling back into things with Mary Jane. I told her that I still have feelings for her. Even though I know she’s still not over Ariel.
I can sit here and console her, RP with her, do things with her all night.
But the moment that Ariel says one thing she gets thanks and praise, and I haven’t gotten one thank you for all that I’ve done.
I don’t want to do this anymore. Why am I so stupid? Why do I even keep trying?

No one reads this shit anyways, so I’m not going to post this very tmi under a cut.
I don’t know whether to hate myself or not. Things with Jack started out very normal. He always wanted to talk to me, and talked to me about anime and things, and wanted to skype, and watch shows with me and things. But then we started sending pictures back and forth and they very quickly became sexual.
They weren’t so bad in the beginning, but tonight they got far worse. He started it, of course, and in the end sent me a picture where he was completely naked, but with his hand in front of his junk.
Still not a nude, but it was pretty damn close. I felt the need to reciprocate, and with him also directing me and telling me what he wanted this time.
I’m not the type of person to do these things with people I haven’t been dating very long, let alone someone I’m not dating but am really interested in. Usually it was because those pictures can be saved and kept ect., but we’ve been doing this through snap chat, so it’s 5-10 seconds of whatever is sent. Video just lasts as long as the post and then it disappears forever. So that made me feel a little more safe, I guess.
But it’s just like. I never got to meet him in person because he wasn’t there for the con that I went to last year. So I’m doing all of this, really only knowing him the way that we’ve talked now.
As I said before, that’s what happened with this guy Guy and I, but it was different with him. Nothing sexual was ever said, and he even told me that he loved me before I ended up moving to Florida. I knew we would date when I got there, and we did.
I know Jack has said that he would date me, but he’s still recovering from Autumn, so he doesn’t want to date anyone this moment. But it would take time for me to move anyways.
But just knowing that, it feels like this guy I knew in Florida that proceeded to have sex with me, and then when I was like “So, does that mean we’re dating now?” he said “I don’t really know you enough for that.” And I never talked to him again. You don’t know me well enough to date me, but you know me well enough to fuck me?
Anyways. So then that was that, and I was okay with it. But then my phone started to ring, and it was Jack, and I thought that that was sweet. He wanted to hear my voice before he went to bed or something. So I answered, since I usually don’t. I don’t like talking on the phone. At first the conversation was a little normal, but then he started talking about the pictures, and which one he liked best ect. And then he said how hot he still was and it evolved into moaning, which evolved into phone sex, and wow I’m an idiot. Because he had told me he wanted to kiss me before, ect. That’s okay. That’s cute.
But obviously during phone sex, that conversation got really vulgar really fast. I learned things about him I didn’t know, and shouldn’t know unless we were having sex. I mean, technically we kind of were?? I don’t know.
I’m so confused. Because it was really great. He has such a nice voice, and hearing him moan on the other end was more than I could have asked for, but it’s like. Is that all he wants from me now? I don’t mind when people are sexual in relationships. I’m such a sexual person myself. You could fuck me twice a day or more for the rest of my life and I would be perfectly okay with that.
But what bothered me, is in the midst of all this sexiness, he kept calling me “baby girl.” and at one point in a particular passionate moment, he kept repeating “You’re mine. You belong to me.” Which can be taken badly, but from a romantic stand point is pretty damn cute.
All of this would be absolutely lovely, if we were dating. Or even if like, I was absolutely sure we would date when I moved there. I was 100% sure with Guy. Guy told me he wanted to be with me, but couldn’t until I was there. Guy told me that he loved me. Jack has only lately told me that he wants to fuck me.
Which; it’s nice to be desired. It’s nice to be wanted. Especially sexually, that makes you feel good and attractive. But what I really want is something real. And I know that he wants that too, in some way since him and Autumn dated for two years. But what if right now, I’m just that rebound for him?
Asdfghjkl; I don’t know if I’m an idiot or just okay with the way that things are right now.

March 4th 2014

I am such an idiot. Like I thought that telling Mary Jane that Ariel was dating the guy that she cheated on her with would solve anything. Ariel lied about everything and manipulates Mary Jane with all that she’s got. And Jack got dragged into it in the end because he’s the one that told me. I said that I wouldn’t tell that it was him, and I didn’t. But they figured it was him anyways.
And they said that he had just pushed it to that point because he was angry with Ariel because he thinks that she’s the one that broke up him and Autumn. Which I could see being a thing, like even if it wasn’t totally on purpose. Sometimes you do things because you’re upset. But I also know Ariel very well.
She didn’t tell Mary Jane when her and I were dating. And she didn’t tell this current guy that she cheated with that she was dating Mary Jane. I even pointed that out. I don’t see how Mary Jane can’t see that she’s just repeating what she did before.
I don’t know exactly what Ariel said, but I know that it’s not going to be the whole truth, and Autumn will stick up for Ariel in a heart beat even if she knows what she’s doing is wrong. They’re both completely selfish and I can’t even stand it anymore.
And then Mary Jane says something like “They can’t be dating. She’s sent me things that she shouldn’t send anyone if she’s dating someone.” Are you fucking kidding me? How does that not also tell you something?
She doesn’t want to date you but she’s sending you ‘things’?
Fuck, I’m done. I’m seriously done. I’ll be there for Mary Jane in any way that I can. But I’m absolutely done with trying to help. I planted my seeds, and if they don’t grow, it’s her own damn fault.

Do you ever just want to completely cut someone out of your life, but you either can’t bring yourself to do it, or you know it wouldn’t do you any good because of your mutual friends?
I really wish I could just get this poison out of my life.

posted 03 / 03 / 14 with 0 notes
tagged as: #journal #thoughts #life #poison

March 3rd 2014

Here I am again. I have a feeling that I’ll be coming back here often. To share random thoughts in posts, and to post full on journals like this one. Oh gosh, do I have the morning aches.
The morning aches used to be a term my friend and I came up for when we had a huge crush on someone in high school. We always ached for the morning because that’s when we would see our respective crushes. Of course without the school atmosphere, the term ‘morning aches’ doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it just became a term.
But no, holy shit. I haven’t liked someone this much in a long time. I know that I felt very similar about Mary Jane when I had liked her, but there was always Ariel. Mary Jane could never let go of Ariel no matter how hard she tried. She really is naive. Ariel has cheated on her, lied to her multiple times, and continues to manipulate her. She thinks that she’s a fucking queen, and I can’t stand it.
Anyways. Back to Jack. It’s really weird because most people would think that I was silly for starting to fall so head over heels for someone that I’ve never physically met in person. But it seems that it’s easier this day and age to do something like that what with Skype and technology. Skype is almost like being in person with someone, you just can’t physically touch. And with Jack, it’s similar to when I fell hard for Guy.
I want to think that this is different though. I should have known certain things with Guy. There were certain things that people told me about him not being as social as he seemed. It was easy to talk to him on the computer because that’s what his life revolved around. Once I got to Florida, and he didn’t ever want to hang out with me, and it was just like I still lived in Minnesota. I really should have known. Part of it was my fault though.
But that’s an entirely different subject. I know that it’d be different with Jack. I know that he likes me, and he tells me things that make me feel good about myself, and how he wants to kiss me and run his fingers through my hair. Guy never did things like that. I knew we would date once I moved there, but it’s almost as if Jack is pushing the boundaries, but that’s okay with me.
I guess the one thing that I’m most worried about with Jack is that, as you know, he just got out of a long term relationship with Autumn, and she broke his heart. I know that he needs time before he would be willing to get into another serious relationship. But he’s also mentioned that. He knows that too, even if he’s telling me that he wants to kiss me and things like that. So I guess that’s what confused me, but at the same time I can understand. He knows that it’ll be a while before I can move there again. That will give him time to be able to recover, and I definitely think that I’m helping him recover.
And him saying those things just means that he really does like me, right? I really hope so. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with relationships in the past, and I just want something real.
Is that so much to ask for?

Do you ever think that you’re the only person that looks at someone else’s blog because you really like them, or because you really miss them?
Do they ever look at your blog to see what you’re up to or what you’re doing, or what you might be interested in in that moment?

March 2nd 2014

So I created this side blog so that I could rant and talk about things that I can’t talk about anywhere else. I used to write in a bound journal all the time, but I really forget to because technology has come so far, and I’m on the computer more often than not. I can also type about a million times faster than I can physically write.
So here we go; just in case someone that I actually know ever finds this side blog, I’m going to use different names just to protect everyone.
I doubt that anyone will ever see it, or ever care, but it makes me feel a little safer using nick names.

So, hey, I’m Adrian. And I have a lot of problems. Don’t we all though? I just don’t know what to do with my life right now, or what to think. I have way too many things on my mind all the time.
Specifically a boy whom we’ll call Jack. I admittedly have had a crush on him for a while now, but for the last year or so he was dating my friend whom we’ll now refer to as Autumn.
They were perfect together, or so just about every one of us thought. Well, Autumn decided that she just didn’t want to date Jack anymore and none of us really know why.
Jack said it’s because she’s been hanging out with Ariel far too much lately, and Ariel doesn’t really care about anyone’s feelings. She’s dating this guy that she cheated on her ex with, and her ex [Mary Jane] doesn’t even know that they’re together.
Which is super shitty to me, Ariel has been leading her on this entire time, and she’s all mad at ME because I said I was developing a crush on someone. She doesn’t know that Ariel is dating someone even though she cheated on her with him and everything. She’s one of the most naive people that I’ve ever met.

posted 03 / 02 / 14 with 1 note
tagged as: #journal #thoughts #life #ramblings

All of my profound thoughts will take place here.